Pride

                If I had to be completely honest with myself, I’d first admit that I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m talking about half the time – maybe even more than that. But putting on a brave face and pretending that the result I get is the one I intended to get is so much easier than admitting I was wrong or worse – someone else was right. Looking like an idiot is mortifying for me. More so than for others because I’d do anything to make my mistakes look intentional.

                I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. But I also know that not many of the people I associate with do. Pride is what it is, when you get down to the skeleton of the problem. It’s the strongest vice… and the hardest to fight. It doesn’t surface in the way that the other seven deadly sins do and it can’t be dealt with in the same way either. Something as simple as a pat on the back can plant the seed. And a simple word or criticism can pierce the chest that you puffed up without realizing it.

                These days, people refer to pride as an ‘ego’. The larger it is, the more conceited the person is. But that’s not the only way it is shown. In my case, being wrong is not an option. Control is my goal – over self and over others. And those are only the ones I’m aware of. I have no doubt that there are a million other ways that pride can dig its claws into our hearts.

                Once it’s anchored, it’s there to stay – at least, as long as you let it stay. Once you start fighting back and gain humility you realize that it’s not so bad being wrong. And that being made fun of and acting like an idiot can be good for you. Well… maybe that advice isn’t for everyone, but it’s true enough for me.

                “Pride comes before the fall.”

                I’m not done climbing. . . and I’m definitely not ready to fall.

                

"I am..."

What's at the end of that sentence for you?
For me it's still a multitude of possibilities...including the chance that it could remain incomplete.

I don't believe in labels or anything concrete and unchangeable, as far as my future goes.

When you're young, people tell you that you can be anything you want when you grow up...but when you grow older you hear that a lot less and you start to hear about what kind of jobs everyone else thinks you'll be good at.

But if it's not what you think, what's the point, right?

Lately, I've been trying to get rid of labels or titles of any kind. Sometimes I think I'm doing it so I can claim even a thread of social freedom, and other times, I think it's because I'm afraid I won't live up to the requirements on whatever label I possess...

Either way, it's showed me that the labels assigned to us by people who know us well or only think they know us, aren't the ones that matter. The label you give yourself is what you should be concerned with.

For me, the end of that sentence could be:
"...a writer", "...a loner", "...a comedian-to-be", "...unpredictable", "...a Gemini", "...a lousy musician", etc.
And I haven't even given it any real thought yet, [I'm about to though...]

I honestly think this is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself. It's definitely more important than 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' How can you know what you want to be if you have no idea who you are?

I don't want to get philosophical or anything... that's even over my head but...
You should ask yourself that question and see what you come up with; have some fun with it!

Compromise

A/N: If that's your version of compromise...I'd much rather be alone.

Eyes widen in terror

As the horrible shock sets in,

All she fought for tirelessly

Slowly being sucked in

To the vortex that is

Him.

And all that she stood for

Becoming second-best and less important

In the light of his

Overpowering shadow.

Slowly losing herself,

Slowly becoming the prize on his shelf.

Explanation:

I understand that poetry is often abstract and can be interpreted in a thousand different ways, which is why I do this at the end of each piece. This was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine...a conversation that erupted into an argument.

This isn't the only result of a compromise, the word itself implies an agreement of equal sacrifice. Both parties give up having complete dominance for the sake of the relationship. Often though, a 'compromise' comes out wrong, with one party benefiting more and the other sacrificing more.

In terms of intimate relationships, the compromise is usually based the lifestyles of the individuals involved. The most common situation I could think of was one where the female in the relationship, or the weaker/submissive personality is forced to give up whatever goals they might have had in order to satisfy the dominant personality.

I put it in a female's point of view because, as a female, it was easier. Just thought I'd put that out there. Women are by no means the only one who make huge sacrifices in intimate relationships - or even on a whole.

I could go on about the symbolism and so on but I would rather leave the interpretations of those to the imagination of the reader. Each time I read a poem I see it in a different light, you shouldn't be robbed of that. 

Thanks for reading~

Male Logic.... help?

So... this one goes out to the guys.

I don't usually have [such a hard time] understanding guys and how their minds work but.... I'm lost right now.
I've been experiencing new things lately, being single and all and having to 'fend for myself' because I'm not around my friends or in my comfort zone... I've noticed that guys tend to follow certain patterns and I can't understand why.

I heard from a friend of mine that he 'was being taught rules about women' from some older man who gave him the impression that he would have to follow them if he ever wanted to understand women or have adoring him.
They were pretty straightforward and, for the most part, I could agree...

But what I'm getting at is the fact that there are men who teach 'rules' to their proteges that aren't as 'agreeable' - many of them border on degrading.

Rules mentioning derogatory things about women or dismissive and domineering things that men should do to keep 'their woman in line'... it's infuriating to think about, much less be a victim of.

What I'm getting at with this and the question I'm posing to all guys is:
*Why do girls have to try so hard to get to the 'real you', or rather, Why do you feel you have to put on an act instead of just saying what you mean?

~ Some guys will play it cool and not call you for a week, then call you one day and act sweetly towards you, leading you to think they really missed you, only to leave you hanging for another week - or longer.

~ Some guys will only talk to you when they can get you alone and will completely ignore you when they're around their friends...


~ Some guys will play up to you and pursue you then play 'hard to get' and pretend to ignore you if they think they're getting too close and starting to seem like they want it too much.

And the examples go on but I don't need to list them - you're already thinking of your own.
If you have the solution, or even if you don't.... just leave a note. I, personally, am stumped.

So... twitter...

Ok, so... I joined Twitter the other day... and so far... it's pretty decent. But I'm not over my rant about it's uselessness...
I mean, it's a great way to stay in touch from minute to minute and it's definitely faster than Facebook but other than that... there's not much to it.

Twitter wars are a plus though... random bursts of spam messages. That's always fun... it's like a delayed MSN messenger... sorta.
I love the fact that you can 'follow' famous people you admire though 'downside: you can't control who follows you]... even though it doesn't do much for you. Reading their posts can give you insight into their lives but it's not always something you're going to love. I've been disappointed a few times already since I started following an author I adore.
Sometimes it's better to wonder what they're really like than it is to know and be disillusioned as to their 'awesomeness'.


That is all.... just the random thoughts of a sick teenager... =|

Slave To Her Passion

Caught up in a fit of passion,
He caught her up and held her bare
Heart thrashing against itself
Contained by a loose thread, her sanity.


No thoughts of wrong or right,
Only the desire to satisfy
The longing that calls longer still
When passion sends self to die.


He'd leave her there to ponder
Where her soul had gone, who she'd been,
Then he'd return before she could renounce
The fit of passion rising again.




What can I say....? I'm a Slave to my Passion <3

"On The Walls"

In my hands
This quill feels unfamiliar...
It's been so long since I've wrote
The words come slowly
It's as if they no longer know me...

In my mind
The phrases are few
And far between the prolonged silence
Nothing sounds right
It's as if I've lost the will to write...

Still...

With these hands
And with this mind
I'll wring the words from the lining of my heart
If I must
To fulfill the calling -
Inculcated
"Mark my words"
I'm still carving my name...

I just thought 'I have to post this'.... 'tis the first piece I've written in months and I love it... and apparently it's very good too... Fancy that! =] I'm still carving my name...

*DNR* [I'm Lost...]

Their tears are bitter
Their sorrow shallow
I can't understand their pain
Still I feel as though it is my own.

You left 'too soon' they said
They thought you would stay for their sakes
I knew better, I knew long ago
It was your time to go... simply put.

Their tears are bitter
Yours have dried
Mine have yet to fall.

Mechanical heartbeat
Rusty, shaking breath
I feel as much as you do now
Or maybe you feel more...?

Their tears are drying
My heart is bitter
And you have yet to leave.


*DNR ~ Do Not Resuscitate.

I actually wrote this a few weeks ago. I got home late because I had practice after school and my mother called me to say that something had happened at home. My grandmother had been taken to the hospital by an ambulance because she had collapsed. The paramedics on the scene had told my grandfather that she was dead but later that evening we were told that she was in a coma and brain-dead. She died a few days later...

Earlier that day I had written a song and a poem and I was starting to come out of my literary slump - but since then, this is the only thing I've written... even though we weren't close I feel as though I've lost something... maybe the will to write, or continue living - it's something I'm still trying to work through. 

Something that not many people understand about my writing - I'll make the stretch to call it 'art' - is that it means everything to me, being that it's the only place that I feel comfortable enough to say what I'm feeling without caring about judgments. Without it... I'm lost.

And She Danced...

The bells had long foretold the hour of her death
In the streets and cities they wept
To lose one so young,
A loss felt by all but she
For she danced.

Still, in the midst of all the misery
A joy she found, one for only she.
On they led her to the gallows
For she should hang
She paid them no mind,
She simply danced.

Noose around her neck
Last words on her lips
As swayed the ropes
So did she her hips
Final moment passed
Her body limp at last
Captioned words above her head
Say 'may she never dance again'.

But still in the nights
The wind picks up
Ever so slightly swaying her
And in the moonlight
Still, she dances.

I don't remember exactly I was thinking when I wrote this piece... but the main idea of it was the 'never say die' spirit that everyone has inside them and what it can do when you put it to use...

Everyone has it in them to be that strong -- you just have to look deep enough. =]

Counseling

This is obviously another rant... loaded with passion so brace yourselves.
I'm stressing from this moment that this is an opinion I developed in the heat of the moment and that it doesn't extend to every psychiatrist or mental health professional - just a few that I know and have been told about.

So :
On the subject of counseling....
I really don't get the point!

If you're talking about one-on-one therapy.. it's just you talking to another normal, sometimes inadequately educated human being who probably can't help you or doesn't know what will help you outside the reach of drugs and pointless methods that are only temporary. You're telling your life story to someone you have never known outside of their office and you can't tell if they really care about what you have to say or if they're just treating you like another 'case'. Either way... it's an inefficient way of handling your problems. You can't run to other people and expect them to have the answers you're looking for. When you do that you're only looking for what you want to know or hear and you're only hoping that someone other than yourself can advise you on what's best for you....
Do you realize that in taking a psychiatrist's advise you're trusting them to have more interest in your well being than you do...? Some people may be comfortable with that - with giving up their metal freedom or whatever else in order to get some 'help' from someone who 'knows better'. Some psychiatrists [I won't say all because there HAVE TO BE a few good ones] see their patients as cases and nothing more and don't care about them once they run out of money. Others probably just want to hear their problems because they have a God complex and think it's their responsibility to 'help the poor, suffering, mentally desolate individuals of the world'. How selfless they are...

Group therapy on the other hand is on it's own level. It's a state of being so willing to humiliate yourself while seeking the pity and fake concern of a group of people who know no better than you do and have probably done worse than you have. Addicts stick together... so do idiots.
You stand up in front of a crowd of people who have never met you before and don't care where you've been... sure they share something in common with you but that also means they are more likely to just smile and nod as you talk instead of offering advice. I mean... how are they going to offer advice when they need it themselves?! Where's the logic in that??
You're telling them things you probably haven't told your closest friend of significant other and you have nothing to gain from that. You get words off your chest - Yay for you... but what does that do, other than add to the people who know about your shortcomings?
No one truly cares what happens in your life; if they ask, they have an angle.

I'm not knocking all counseling methods... honestly, there are people who truly need it and actually benefit from it. But for too long now - and lately I've been seeing a lot more of this - people show up at random meetings, say a few things and pat themselves on the back when someone walks away smiling thinking they've done a good job or their 'good deed' for the day. It makes me sick to think that people can take advantage of the fragile psyche of other human beings. There are individuals in the world who are actually hurting. Who actually need help. And because of these morons - these self-indulgent, self-righteous, pious pity-seekers - who have distorted the whole process....

A degree isn't the only qualification you need in order to help people...
A PhD only means you've been in school, you have money and you wanted to make a name for yourself... it says nothing about character - character is what matters.

Coming Of Age

I've asked this question a few times... and I've never gotten an answer that really satisfied me -- I've never really gotten a real answer, come to think of it.
People brush this off as a question that doesn't deserve attention but I think it's something that's very important!!

Question: Why does our age affect the way we think and behave... and what link is there to our need to 'settle down'?


I don't want to seem hung up on the subject of love... but I have been lately and I also know I'm not the only one. Everywhere you look [or listen] - tv shows, music videos, the internet.... Facebook - the story is the same... people want to find their 'soul mate' and settle down, or have found someone they believe they could spend the rest of their lives with.And still there are others who try to fool the world into thinking they're happy being alone by throwing themselves into the 'single life' and dragging the closest person along for the ride.

And while I could go on and on about that... that's only half my point. It's not just anyone who is acting this way. The majority of these love-crazed individuals just happen to be teenagers or young adults [20+]...
So, my question again --(scroll up, I'm too lazy to type it over, lol).

I've always heard that after a certain age people tend to want to settle down and start a family; that people get their priorities straight and decide that they no longer want 'flings' and passing fancies... they want the real thing.
I've never believed it.

Well.... I didn't.


Until recently....
Hence this blog entry.

Science would suggest that the boost of the hormonal levels in the teenage body could account for the 'new' emotions and change in mindset. But science is wrong about a lot of other things so forgive me if I don't trust that reasoning.

Honestly though; it would make sense if age factored in to the mental shift from fun to fate... it wouldn't make the shift any less surprising or make the emotions seem any less fake and forced from the outside...
But it would be somewhere to put the blame.... and who doesn't like that?

Lost Love...

Why is it this painful?...

I found myself asking that question late one night after receiving some news that proved more destructive than I could have thought. It's almost laughable... the pain that results from news that could be unspeakably good to the person who has effected it or the one whom it affects. Three simple words can make a world of difference in the way you see someone... in this case I'm not referring to "I love you", I actually mean hearing the words "I'm with someone".
Being secure in the fact that I am human and not as unique as the generic shows on TV claim, I think it's safe to assume that I'm not the only one who has tried to brush it off only to have it explode in my face... in short - love blows. Especially when it takes you so long to realize what your true feelings are that you miss out on whatever opportunity you might have been able to have.

[edit]
On a side note....... how can you even know if you truly like/love someone? Ignoring all the emotions that will surface as a result of natural attraction... how can you know for sure if your feelings for someone go beyond a crush or 'puppy love'? And whether or not you're sure; is it possible to know when - or even if - the person needs to know how you feel about them...?
Allow me to reiterate - love blows; even more so when it's lost love.


I always thought I wasn't the blogging type but there's nothing like a good rant to get you where you need to be.